Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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