I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Randomize
