Will you blow on my dice?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
