Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
