i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
