I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
