Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
