I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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