I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Randomize
