you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
