I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
