my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
