I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
