Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
