either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
