I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
