Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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