i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
