The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
