I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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