just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
