The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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