speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
