tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
