Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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