I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
we should paint friendship bongs
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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