If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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