I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
