Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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