Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
