Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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