i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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