I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
