well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Randomize
