Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
