You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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