My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
