There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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