Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
