STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
