i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Let's get the cat blown out
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
