Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
