you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
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