I wish you could order shots online.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
