xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
