i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
