Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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