He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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