apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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