Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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